The Seven Worst Things to Say to Your Kids During a Divorce

When you said the words, "I do," on your wedding day, the idea of divorce probably never entered your mind. Nor was it even a fleeting thought when you witnessed the birth of your first child. Chances are it never occurred to you at those times that one day you would be a statistic in the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce.

And yet here you are, considering divorce, separated, or already divorced. Today you find yourself dealing with issues of dating, visitation schedules, and feelings of animosity toward your spouse. You know that divorce is not the best situation for your children, but things have progressed too far to turn back now.

What do you do at this point to protect your children? How do you help them minimize the negative effects of a divorce? What do you say to them and how do you say it? How you handle yourself through the divorce process and the months that follow can be a determining factor in how well your children handle the struggles that divorce can bring.

Listed below are the seven worst things you can say to your children during a divorce. Avoid these and you'll be on your way to helping your children make the transition in a positive manner.

1. "If you behaved yourself more, your mother wouldn't get so mad at me."

Your child is NOT responsible for your relationship problems with your partner. Hinting that your child is in some way responsible for your divorce wounds the spirit and slashes the soul. Regardless of what your child has done or said, putting responsibility on them is totally inappropriate. Remember, a divorce takes place between the two married people in the relationship. Although divorce affects the children, you are not divorcing them. You are divorcing the person to whom you are married.

Even when you assure children that they are not responsible for the marriage breakup, most children believe they are somehow responsible. They think to themselves, "If I'd only been better, it wouldn't have happened," or "If I had just done something different, things would be OK with Mom and Dad."

If you really believe that your children are responsible for your divorce, then something is in need of repair in your parent-child relationship. Turn to a counselor, member of the clergy, or school personnel. Do it now. You and your children are worth it.

2. "Your mother is a tramp."

Name-calling in front of your children is inexcusable. Regardless of what she has done and how you feel about her, remember that this person is still your child's mother. If she has had an affair or done other mean things to you, it is not your place to tell the children about her behavior. Saying hurtful things to the children about their mother does not hit the intended target, your "ex." It hits and hurts the ones you still love, your children.

Name-calling usually stems from feelings of anger and disgust. Stay in control of your angry feelings. Attempting to knock your "ex" down in this way does not bring you up in the eyes of your children. When they hear you using these words about their mother, they can see and feel the discrepancy in what you are saying and how they are feeling. They begin to distrust your words, and fear that you may be saying such things about them and their behavior. Their suspicion damages your relationship with them.

Kids need to look up to their parents. You and, yes, their mother are the two most important people in their lives. For years they have looked to both parents for comfort, support, encouragement, and direction. They will continue to do so even after the divorce. Speaking about their mother with words that are meant to wound only decreases the likelihood that they will look up to you in the future.

3. "What does your mother say about me?"

Do not put your children in the role of informant whose job it is to keep you updated on the events and happenings around Mom's house. They are not conduits of information to be pumped for information. Keep them out of the middle and off the witness stand.

By asking your children to report to you and keep you informed you are asking them to betray someone they love. They are caught in the difficult position of having to supply you with information or lie in an attempt to protect their mother. When you do this, your children have to decide what might be appropriate information to tell and what information Mom might not want you to know. This is not a decision that a child needs to be making.

If there is information that you feel you really need or want to know, go to the source. Be an adult and ask your "ex" the questions you want answered. She has the right to decide what she wants to tell you. If she is not forthcoming with the answers, sit tight. It is quite possible that the answer will come to you without ever having to ask your children.

The main focus of your communication with your "ex" should be about your children, their development, and their continued care. Those questions that do not pertain to the kids may not be any of your business. Ask yourself if the answers to your questions benefit your children or you. Be honest with yourself at this point. If it only benefits you, let it go. Your children are what is most important.

4. "I want to get back together, but your mother doesn't."

This statement may be true, but telling it to your children is nothing more than a play for sympathy. It is a subtle attempt to fix blame and make the other parent look bad. You are trying to place yourself in a positive light, as the only one who wants to keep the family together.

If this statement is really true, explore your role in how the relationship with your partner has gotten to the point where it is now. Tell your partner that you want to get back together and work on correcting the mistakes you made in the relationship. Your children have no place in that process.

If you want to look good and win your children's affection, do so with grace. Approach your partner with a loving heart. Model for your children how to separate and move on in a relationship without wounding the spirit of another. Show your children how to have an open heart even when you don't want what another person wants. Divorce gracefully. It is the best kind of divorce your children can go through.

5. "No, I won't give you any money. I send your mother child support. If you need any money, ask her."

When you were married, did you sit down each week or month and show your check stub to your children? Did you share each aspect of the family budget with them, expecting them to understand the intricate nature of this system you designed? Probably not. They knew it existed and they became familiar with parts of it at times, but it was never a major concern for them. It was an adult matter that adults took care of.

The same holds true for child support. Your children do not need to know how much child support you pay and when you pay it. A child's request for money is not a request to be told about the family budget or about how much you pay for child support. Neither is it a request to hear about your financial troubles. If the money is not available, and there are times in non-divorce situations that this is also true, tell them that the money is not available right now without mentioning how much you pay for child support. Talk with Your children about what they want to do with the money. Help them create a plan on how to get the money they need.

The purpose of child support is to make available a percentage of the finances needed for everyday living. Your children need far more than what child support provides. Your children need extra love, extra attention, and, yes, extra money on occasion.

Don't get caught up in the financial end of your relationship with your children. Be careful not to attempt to buy their love with money. Instead, show your love with time and attention.

6. "I'm sorry I didn't get you last week. I was really busy."

When it is your evening or weekend to be with your kids, adjust your schedule so that you can give them your full attention. This may mean skipping the golf outing, rescheduling poker night, missing softball practice, or changing your hours at work. Create the time so that you can be present in your children's life. When it is your weekend and you don't spend it with your kids, they feel rejected. The message is that something has become very important to you and it is not them. Is that the message you want to send to your children? If not, then make your time with them a priority. Demonstrate to them that their time with you is the last thing to get cancelled.

If you are scheduled to have parenting time with your children and you don't show or you call at the last minute with a change of plans, your kids feel abandoned. If you take them to their grandparents' house for the day while you go on a golf outing, the kids question their importance to you. If you say to your daughter, "We can do that the next time we're together," and when next week arrives you don't do it, your integrity comes into question.

When you have scheduled parenting time, keep it. When you say you're going to do something together next time, do it. Your children remember, and they are building an image of their father based on your actions. What image of you do you want them to hold?

7. "I don't care what your mother said. You don't have to do that if you don't want to."

No two homes are run alike. With the establishment of two separate homes comes the establishment of two sets of rules. The goal is to create as much consistency as possible between your house and your ex-wife's house.

Arriving at mutual agreement on issues of bed time, homework structure, video game and television viewing, and basic rules of respect for others' boundaries is important. While this type of consistency is valuable, the reality is that it is difficult for many divorced couples to achieve. It takes setting aside your anger, resentment, and feelings of revenge, and coming to mutual conclusions about important issues that affect your children. It takes two people behaving like adults focusing on what is best for their children.

To say to your children, "I don't care what your mother said. You don't have to do that if you don't want to," begins to create an imbalance in the structure that children need, especially in times of divorce. The implication is that they don't have to listen to their mother, that she doesn't know what she's talking about, and that it's OK if they defy her authority. This is your effort to exert power over your ex-wife by weakening her power with the children. You are attempting to undermine her authority and are using the children to get back at her. This is not your children's job. Putting them in this position gives them a sense of power that is focused in the wrong direction. A child's power needs to stay focused on managing their own behavior as they learn to make safe, caring, confident choices.

If you really don't think the children should have to do whatever their mother told them to do, take it up with her. Find out what was really behind her request or disciplinary strategy. If it is not a strategy you use in your home, talk to the children about how you handle similar situations at your house. Explain the differences in the approach each parent has taken, helping them see the outcome of their choices and the effect it has on them regardless of the house in which they reside.

Divorce does not have to be a devastating end to your family. It marks the beginning of a new family for you and your children. Focus on creating a new life together. Hold on to some of the traditions of the past and look for opportunities to create new traditions, new routines, and a newfound joy in being together. Show your children how to divorce gracefully by eliminating the seven worst things you can say to them during that critical time.

About The Author:
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their websites today: http://www.thomashaller.com or http://www.chickmoorman.com.
Article Submitted On: October 31, 2006
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

How To Have A Hassle Free Divorce

In today’s society marriage and divorce go pretty much hand-in-hand. The divorce rates today are much higher than it use to be and it’s a sad but true fact. However it’s important to know a few things before you get a divorce. You want a clean break especially if you already have children.

Here are few tips you can go through when getting a divorce.

Don’t Fight
If you and your partner decide to get a divorce, it’s best that you keep your arguments and fights to a minimum.

Get A Lawyer
Consult with a professional lawyer and if you can find a specialised divorce lawyer it will make things easier. Your lawyer will help guide you through all the legalities and you can always ask your lawyer about finances and entitlements. However don’t just get any divorce lawyer you should always do your research first before selecting a lawyer. Ask around, do research on the internet, read magazines, there’s plenty of ways to find a good divorce lawyer.

Finances
This is often the most heart wrenching bit of a divorce, diving assets. If you have any financial records this is the time to show them to your lawyer. You’ll have to include all income, profits, and even debts that you’ve accumulated during your marriage. Any debts that are shared must be settled.

Lastly if you have children you’ll have to provide proof of financial support that you’ve given your children.

Time Frame
It’s usually the case that you wait around 6 months to 3 years before you get the chance of a hearing. Getting a divorce is a long and pain staking process and involves a lot of time and money and the time frame will vary from state to state.

Custody
If you already have children then you’ll need to fight or agree on custody. This is another huge part of a divorce and if it’s a shared custody you don’t need to worry about going to court as much. However the worse case scenario is that you have to fight for custody and this can take even longer and the costs are more.

Litigation, Mediation & Collaboration
There are only 3 ways to getting a divorce. The first is litigation where each party hires their own lawyer to prepare all documents, hearings and also to negotiate the settlements. The two parties do not have any contact with each other and let their lawyers do the talking.

Mediation involves a single neutral attorney where both parties sit down together to work out the terms of settlement. When it comes to settlement, both parties will hire their own lawyers to handle the matter. Mediation is a more cost effective solution to a divorce and is more pleasant.

Finally, collaboration is have both parties hire their own lawyer and having them both work together to agree and settle. It’s also another cheaper solution and will reduce the stress of going through a divorce.

Counselling
If you’re going though a tough time, you may want to think of seeing a marriage counsellor. I may help with the break up and can also help your mentally and emotional handle the divorce better.

About the Author:
Marc Lindsay
Find the top 4 Marriage Counselling websites compared and reviewed side-by-side. Its fast, easy and free. http://www.marriagecounsellingcritic.com
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Who Suffers More In A Divorce?

The name divorce has been a household word for people who need it, or just take it as fashion on self-realization for the never ending illusion for the search of “Miss or Mr. Right” for a mate in life. Even in the confines of the most settled or established homes the word “divorce” hovers as a threat to the solemnity of conjugal partnership because of the environmental changes in trends, culture, ignoring some already practiced social conventions.

To be scared of divorce is no longer accounted in such places as United States, Japan, Korea, and Canada, United Kingdom and the commonwealth. As matter of fact, the rise in the U.S. Canada, United Kingdom and the Commonwealth countries is phenomenal that it becomes more of a fashion in today’s society. There are still countries, more strongly attached to their traditional roots and values such as the Philippines and some other Asian countries that merely ignore away any proposition in the legislature to adapt divorce.

These countries though they could perceive the real need of divorce are simply not adept toward the impact of some harsh realities experienced by some people within the conjugal partnership. These people are beset by conditions and problems that can’t be resolved and the only way out is to find a legal means to free from each other from the bondage of marriage’s brutalities that connect husband and wife who find no solution to their differences. In the Bible, Jesus speaks of “divorce” in exceptional unresolved cases in married life. However, though, conditions in what he wanted to apply in the kind of divorce he taught is rampantly tampered, that of not marrying another again. Still sticking to the spiritual rule “Let no man put asunder.”

Impact of divorce to the defunct family (husband, wife, and children), the effects carried about in that marriage (dividing material things acquired, rights covered by the law, such as custody to children, alimony, etc) is tremendous. Legal fights in courts find it so unwholesome to the growing kids. Other children who are growing up psychologically immature are thrown to traumatic state they suffer for the rest of their lives.

Since “divorce” is the dissolution of marriage, once it is approved, marriage became null and void in any circumstances it was presented. The annulment that rendered the partnership void does not however carry with it the effects that marriage carry. There are so many conditions that the law impose to protect the psychological, sociological and the emotional health of the each, especially the children, protecting their present and future lives. Allowing separated husband and wife to marry immediately after the divorce are of two different conditions. The man could remarry earlier whereas the woman has to wait for specified days under the circumstance of the law. This is due to the specifications as to the paternity of any child born to the woman after sometime she remarries.

To avoid impending confusion on paternal claim and responsibilities, further extent of time is set for her to remarry that will make definite assurance, the child has not been fathered by the divorced husband. In the presence of confusion because there was conflict in the time of remarriage, the second man should accept or conform to his paternal status to the child, and amenable to full support both moral and material. It passes thru legal process within the scope of duly accepted norm of conduct of the present husband. It may not necessarily undergo formal legal proceedings but what ever the concerned parties had agreed upon privately, may be ratified by the law. This sounds true to the divorced spouses. Any agreement between them in like manner will also be ratified.

There are two kinds of divorce, the absolute and the limited. Absolute divorce is the judicial terminations of marriage bonds because of grieve misconduct of either one or both parties after the divorce has been processed. It also concerns about other statutory causes arising after the separation. Both the divorced husband and wife become single again.

Limited divorce is merely like a separation decree. It terminates merely the cohabitation of concerned husband and wife. It does not state the dissolution of marriage, and their status is not altered.

About The Author:
Breakup Advice Online is a new resource on breakup and divorces.
Article Source: NewFREEArticles.com

Women Issues - The Children of Divorce

Children of divorced parents are also more sceptical about finding true love and settling down. Before you decide that this article is trying to spoil you from enjoying your big day, this is just to make you aware of the facts so you are more equipped to enjoy your married life fully, even though you may not have grown up in successful marital surroundings.

As child of divorce, it is important not to lose hope by thinking that you are going to commit the same mistakes your parents did. You will have to be a little optimistic and think that you have learned from the mistakes of your parents to make sure history does not repeat itself.

Here are other key points to help you: You will have to learn to forget and forgive the past. A successful marriage is difficult enough to maintain without bringing all your old laundry to it. First, make peace with your parents and forgive them. Do not blame their divorce for everything in your life. This will help you make peace with past and concentrate on the future with a fresh prospective. Remember that you are not your mom- remember that you are a different person and stop worrying about committing your parent’s mistakes. Remember that you control your fate and you make your own decisions. Also, accept that your spouse is not your dad or think that he is going to make the same mistakes as your dad did. Do not equate his mistakes to your father's and think of the worst-case scenario. In order for you have a successful marriage, think of him as his own person, and place your complete trust on him. If he makes a mistake, be quick to forgive and enjoy each other’s company.

You are at an advantage when it comes to making mistakes. You have witnessed a failing marriage first hand. You just have to make sure that you do not perform the same mistakes in your married life. You can also look at your friends’ parents or relatives who have had successful marriages for pointers and talk to them.

Concentrate on your unique future. You should not define the path you are going to follow and base it on your parent’ union. You start by trusting your husband and placing complete faith in your relationship if you truly love him and like his company. Start building a better future with him by talking to him about your issues so he can understand you better.

As we look at today's modern world and we can easily ask ourselves where we went wrong. However, you are not your past-- remember that you are not bound to make the same mistakes unknowingly. Enjoy your married life.

About the Author:
Michael Russell
Your Independent guide to Women's Issues visit me at http://women-issues-guide.com/
Article Source: ArticleWarehouse

Stop A Divorce – Separation

Divorce is one of the hardest things a person can go through, the destruction of a couple has in it the power to destroy the individuals and it sometimes takes a long time and a lot of energy to get back on your feet and start living again. We all know that divorce is usually something that develops over time, that the initial gaps grow wider and wider and eventually cause the couple to separate from each other, many times this is the last break finally resulting in divorce.

One thing that happens in many couples is the separation phase that is usually the clear indicator that something is seriously wrong in the relationship, and the reaction to separation is as hard as it is to any bad news. There are many approaches to separation and many ideas about what good or what bad may come out of an initial separation, there are those who say that this is actually the first step in divorcing, other say it is the first step to negotiation and talk.

The idea of separation is usually brought up by one of the partners and this creates a situation in which one side is on the initiative and another is forced into an agreement position, but this is not so, a separation has in it many small details that need to be agreed on, especially if there are kids involved and there are many points and issues that needs to be discussed and addressed as the couple maintains a distance.

As a general rule, if you are suggested the idea of separation try your best not to overreact and to understand that this is the other side way of dealing with things, losing control when this is suggested usually just makes things worst and creates a sort of desperate situation in which many things are said and regretted soon after. Do not push yourself into a corner, remember that there is a chance that your partner will want his or her own space and will ask for a separation, this time will give both of you time to think and reassess the situation.

There are a lot of things you can do in this time of the separation and there is a lot of time for the other side to think about life without you, the time can be used to create a nicer and friendlier atmosphere between the couple and create a new beginning, which is not forced but chosen by each of the partners, since you will be separated you will each have the power to choose if you want to meet and for how long. You can control the frequency of your meetings, and the time you spend together, you can use this to try and show your good sides and the part in you that wants to save the partnership.

To stop a divorce you will need a lot of strength and determination, but it is possible to do, do not let a simple request for a time off send you into an uncontrolled anger attack, try and use each move to your benefit and plan your moves as you save your marriage and stop your divorce.

About the Author:
John Furnem is a dot com veteran, specializing in personality psychology he has written articles and held workshops/seminars for stress management and divorce prevention. John currently writes Stop A Divorce articles.
Content Provider: http://www.my-articles.com

Divorce And Health Insurance Benefits

Divorce causes major issues with health insurance benefits. Many families have employer provided and/or paid for health insurance benefits that cover the entire family. It is not uncommon to see situations where the other spouse is a stay at home parent, with absolutely no access to health insurance benefits, or employed at a job with either no health insurance benefits available or those benefits available at a substantial cost. After a divorce, the spouse with the family health insurance coverage can no longer cover the other parent. They are no longer "family" members who can take advantage of one health insurance policy. How to then ensure that everyone stays insured does become an issue for negotiation and/or divorce litigation.

If both parties do not have health insurance benefits available and if the cost of obtaining those health insurance benefits for the other party after a divorce become prohibitive, there is one way to continue benefits without additional cost. That way is to enter into a separation agreement, but delay the divorce. That way, the parties actually do remain married and they can stay on the same health insurance plan even thought they are separed. The parties can consent to waiting for one, two or more years before either one files for a divorce. While the parties will remain married, their property, custody, and support issues will be addressed in their separation agreement. Under some circumstances, this is an optimal resolution. For example, what if both parties want one spouse to remain at home for several more years with young children, but they do still want to separate and divorce? This option works for them. They can separate, agree upon getting a divorce and all of the terms that they have to agree upon, but delay the final divorce so that they can keep cost effective health insurance benefits in place.

The above example can provide some difficulties that must be discusse in detail with your divorce attorney. For example, if you separate but do not divorce, your federal tax filing status may be affected. Also, in some states, it is not as easy as in other states to enforce a separation agreement. Or, in yet other states, it is possible for one spouse to take the advantages provided by the agreement for a year or two and then go to court and seek entirley different forms of financial relief in a divorce action. Only a divorce attorney licensed to practice in your state can advise you on these issues.

Another option for couples divorce is COBRA coverage. COBRA is a federal law which mandates that a person covered under a health insurance policy be given the right to continue that coverage, at their own cost, for a set time period if certain requirements exist. For example, if you obtain a divorce and your spouse had family health insurance coverage through his employer, the employer would have to provide COBRA coverage for you after the divorce. That COBRA coverage would require that you have the same health insurance policy, although your coverage would now be individual and not family. You would have to pay the employer's cost for that individual policy.

It is not uncommon for a stay at home spouse or a spouse who has less income or employment options to obtain COBRA coverage and to negotiate that their spouse pay for that coverage for a specified time period after the divorce. In doing so, this gives the spouse who did not have coverage available some time to either obtain employment with coverage or become financially settled and able to afford their own coverage.

About the Author:
Jean Mahserjian is an attorney and the author of numerous websites and books devoted to helping consumers through the process of divorce. To download free excerpts from her divorce and custody books, visit: http://www.millenniumdivorce.com
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10 Steps to Help You on Your Way Back to a Fulfilling Life After Your Divorce

Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through, but it doesn't mean the potential for a happy life has ended. A divorce can leave you completely worn out and drained of desires to go on with your life. It's terribly hard and it's an emotional blow that's difficult to recover from. But, it must not be taken as the end of everything. You have to take it as the end of one period or chapter in your life. Look at it as an opportunity for a new beginning. Accept your current situation as is, and build your life to what you want it to be from this very moment onward. Build "a better you."

And, how would you accomplish just that?

Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a fulfilling life.

1. After your divorce, the most important step is to move forward wisely. You're no longer one half of a couple. Your happiness is now entirely in your own hands. Take your time to understand the changes that are happening in your life. Obtaining a complete understanding of your situation will get you very far and very fast.

2. Try not to get caught up feeling sorry for yourself, which will keep you from thinking clearly. Instead, sit down when you find peace and quiet, take a blank sheet of paper, and list your current situation. Then, one at a time, list your options and possible solutions to each problem. Don't worry about finding a solution for all at once. Just try to see clearly what your next step ought to be. Begin to make one goal a week, write down what needs to be done to get it accomplished, and simply do it. That will improve your life and your self-confidence very quickly.

3. Re-discover yourself. How much did you give up during your marriage? How much did you sacrifice in order to satisfy your partner? Now is the time to start living for yourself. Doing the things that make you happy will significantly increase your self-esteem.

4. You felt rejected after your divorce. But, your ex-spouse's rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection was just a choice your ex-spouse made. That's all. You have to always remember that your ex-spouse's choice does not determine your worth. Keep in your mind that you are still a person worthy of a happy and a fulfilling life.

5. You might carry a lot of anger in you. Trying to get even with your ex-spouse will just end up exhausting your energy on something that isn't going to bring you any accomplishment. Approach your anger in a sensible manner. Find a friend, or a priest, or a counselor, or just any person who is a good listener. Not the one who can't wait to give you his or her "opinionated" advice. The one that would just listen, and tell him or her how you feel. Anger needs an outlet. Venting it out will help you get back to a healthy, emotional state of mind.

6. You've got some great memories from your time together. Remember them by all means, but don't dwell on them. Remember yourself that there are some fantastic moments waiting for you in the future. Your future is what you need to be thinking about and focus on.

7. There can be employment and financial difficulties. Accept that the life will be a great challenge. But, look at the challenge as an opportunity to grow in character. Know exactly how much money you have coming in, and manage wisely the money going out. Don't be afraid to make sacrifices. If your income is low or non-existent, contact the Social Services Benefits Advice Service and they will help you claim any benefits that you're eligible for.

8. Don't become lonely. You might feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression will make you want to isolate yourself. You may lose some of your "couple friends." This is perfectly normal. Whatever you do, be positive when you're out and about with people. You never know who you will meet. That new person may help you out tremendously.

9. A rebound relationship may cause you more harm than good. Remember that there is a broad line between getting to know a person and bonding a close and intimate relationship. When you try to jump into it too quickly, you might be forcing the relationship without creating the bond. You don't want to get hurt again. You want someone to freely choose to love you for yourself. Love freely given is a real love. Real love has to come from the person's heart.

10. Just be yourself. Be happy, be cheerful, always with a smile on your face even if you have to force it sometimes. People will remember you and like you for that. Just don't go around evaluating every man or woman you meet as a possible candidate for your next marriage. Intermingle with people and be a real friend. And when the time is right, love will find you again.

Whatever your circumstances, it is of the utmost importance that when the pain of divorce descends upon you ...

- you realize that you can recover,
- that you will recover,
- and that this is in reality.

However bad it may seem right now, it is an opportunity for you to attain real and total happiness.

Disclaimer: The author and publisher of this article have done their best to give you useful, informative and accurate information. This article does not represent nor replace the legal advice you need to get from a lawyer, or other professional if the content of the article involves an issue you are facing. Divorce laws vary from state-to-state and change from time-to-time. In addition, it is a very fact-specific area of the law, meaning that the particular facts of your marriage and divorce, as well as other external factors may determine how the law is applied in your situation. Always consult with a qualified professional before making any decisions about the issues described in this article. Thank you.

About the Author:
Steve Dimeck
This article was produced by Attorney Resources and Information website. Please visit http://lawyer.bestinfo4you.com/divorce-attorney.html if you need to find a divorce lawyer or if you need more information to help you with your attorney.
Added: 12 Oct 2006
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5 Secrets To Stop Your Divorce

It is not easy to have a difficult marriage. And it becomes more difficult that you do not want to show the world that your marriage is not a healthy one. You try to avoid sharing this situation to your friends and family. All you want is people see your marriage as a great one. No fight, no conflict, everything is fine.

You, and hopefully your partner, still want this marriage to last. You just don't know how to deal with it. Handling all the conflicts between the two of you is not something you master. You need somebody to help you both. To solve this catastrophe in your family.

You must get help. And let's stop thinking about 'divorce'. Not even saying it.

Get the secrets to help you solve your problem. Check them out below:

1. Get a Marriage Counseling

Getting a marriage counselor is often the best way to help the crisis in your marriage. It is even better if you get one as a part of your marriage maintenance plan. Marriages have a better opportunity to success when the couple goes to marriage counseling. A counselor can really make a difference in the worst situation. He or she helps you to understand your partner better because he or she has no biased opinion.

So, why not find one now? Go to local churches as many of them will offer this service for free. Or, find it online or in the local yellow pages.

2. The Reasons for Using a Marriage Counselor

A good marriage counselor can make a difference between getting separated, divorced or staying together, no matter how big your marriage problem is. Some of the things that you can work through with the help of a counselor are:

* Work on marriage maintenance from the start

* Help you admit defeat every now and then (though you're right, it's unwise to end a marriage over a disagreement)

* Make passion a top priority in your marriage

3. What You Can Expect from a Marriage Counselor

A marriage counselor will take you to a few sessions of therapy to work out problems in your relationship. This therapy often begins as the couple analyzes the good and bad aspects of the relationship, then help you learn to change how you and your partner interact with each other to solve the problems. Why? Because both of you have contributions to whatever that comes in the relationship.

4. How Much Will a Marriage Counselor Cost?

The average cost for marriage and family counseling is around $100 per session. Not to mention that you need to pay for the initial fee, which is about $40. However, if you are unable to pay for it, you can also find non-profit organizations for a free service. You can also ask your company if it offers free counseling for its employees and families. Go find a counselor. No matter how much it costs, as long as your marriage is saved, it's worth it.

5. Counseling for the Entire Family

It is normal to have conflicts within the family. However, when normal conflicts turn into so much worse, it's big chance that family members begin to hurt each other emotionally. Thus seeking counseling for everyone is a good idea. It will try to help them learn how to reduce the problems. Families can learn how to effectively deal with problems by getting a family counselor.

About The Author:
Adwina Jackson is a working mother of a gorgeous young boy. Join her free e-mail guides about Stop Your Divorce at http://insparenting.com/reports/stop-divorce.php Visit her daily blog now where you can get helpful parenting stories and tips on: http://www.insparenting.com
Submitted: 2006-10-17
Article Source: GoArticles

Estate Planning and Insurance Concerns When You Divorce

If you are getting a divorce from your spouse, you have a lot of planning to do. You will need to name your own beneficiaries, organize your divided assets, and set up your individual estate.

It is important that you meet with a qualified attorney to discuss the specifics of planning your estate to ensure that your wishes are carried out as you desire. You need to be well versed in the most strategic methods of dividing your joint estate so that you do not end up paying all of the taxes while he or she enjoys the benefits of your assets.

I have outlined some important information for you to be aware of when planning your estate after your divorce. Please keep in mind that divorces lend themselves to new structures for individuals. You will want to meet with a qualified attorney to discuss how to best protect your new estate.

Assigning Your Beneficiary

During your marriage, chances are your spouse was the sole or major beneficiary of your estate. After your divorce, it is important that you designate a new beneficiary on all of your documents and for all of your accounts.

The federal law called ERISA pre-empts state laws that automatically remove an ex-spouse as the beneficiary of retirement plans. Therefore, it’s important that you remove the ex-spouse as the beneficiary unless you wish for him or her to remain as your designated beneficiary.

Please note: Once you re-name your beneficiary, it is possible that your ex-spouse will still retain the rights to part of your retirement benefits that you accrued during the time of your marriage. I recommend consulting with a qualified estate planning attorney to determine just how much of your benefits and estate will be designated to your ex-spouse after your divorce.

Dividing Your Assets

During the course of your divorce, you and your ex-spouse determine how your joint estate will be divided. Take a minute to review a few assets that you will need to divide: 1) appreciated assets, such as mutual funds, and stocks; 2) real estate, including investments, repairs, insurances and mortgages; 3) personal property, such as jewelry, artwork and clothes; 4) retirement plans, such as qualified plans and IRA’s; and 5) your home, which can be divided in different ways to meet both parties’ financial needs.

Establishing a Trust

Many people will create a Trust to ensure that a designated Trustee will have control over funds after death. There are three Trusts that you can explore when planning your estate:

1. The Revocable Living Trust helps you avoid probate by allowing your Trustee to distribute your assets according to the instructions that you have outlined.

2. The Children’s Trust allows you to designate funds that your child will use later in his life to pay for his education, home, etc.

3. The Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust, otherwise known as “ILIT”, allows you to distribute the death benefit estate tax-free when and how you want, even long after you’re gone.

Divorce is never easy. It’s typically a very long and arduous process as both parties work to get their portions of the shared assets. If you’re going through a divorce it is important to speak with a qualified attorney who can walk you through all of the tax and asset considerations that you need to be aware of to ensure that you receive the best possible settlement.

About the Author:
Thomas McNally is the staff writer at the National Directory of Estate Planning, Probate & Elder Law Attorneys. McNally stresses the importance of finding a qualified estate planning attorney to ensure that your estate passes to whom you want, when you want, and is carried out in the manner you've chosen.
Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com

Divorce: Doing the Right Thing for the Children

Divorce is a difficult set of cards to manage; no matter who you are, what your reasons are for leaving, or how amicable your divorce is. It is difficult enough to give up on your “happily ever after” dreams, but to accept the broken pieces of your family unit is even more of a challenge.

The most difficult thing about divorce involving children is that you are now forced to continue a relationship with someone you either don’t get along with or that doesn’t function in the same way as you. On top of that, as easy as it would be to simply part ways, there is more than a property to settle on.

Studies have shown that divorce is not traumatic for children. Yet it is what occurs after the divorce that creates a traumatic experience. Being truly loved by both parents, regardless of whether they live under the same roof or not, is what affects them most.

But how do you stay focused on that love when you have a mix of emotions on a daily basis? How do you remove yourself from the upset that your ex-spouse imposes upon you? It’s challenging, but can be done by breaking down the simple steps of becoming co-parents:

1- Remind yourself daily that your job as a parent has not changed.
2- Visualize your role as co-parents with two hands out in front of you. Hands that will hold different things. One hand will hold the emotions you feel, while the other will hold what you will do. Close the emotional hand tightly and do what the other hand tells you to do, accepting that they won’t be the same any longer.
3- If you have anger for your ex-spouse, compartmentalize it and keep visualizing your children’s’ faces. These are the lives that you are impacting now.
4- Remember that even though you don’t need your ex-spouse, your children do.
5- Accept that the things that bother you about your ex-spouse are not things that bother your children.

Different can be good or bad, but you can impact the direction it goes. If it’s going to be different anyway, why not choose to make it something better than it has ever been? And when things seem really, really hard, look deep into those children’s eyes and remember who you are for them as a parent.

About The Author:
Lesley Moore is President and Owner of LifeScope, Life and Executive Coaching. She specializes in working with individuals in transition, empowering them to create a life they love and with professionals to help them bridge the gap between expectation and performance. She is a Freelance Writer and co-author of: 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. Lesley graduated from the University of Maryland with a degree in Journalism and has studied coaching through the Mentor Coach Program, which is recognized by the International Coach Federation. For more information about Life and Executive Coaching, visit her website at http://www.LifeScopeCoach.com or e-mail her at lessmore4@comcast.net.
Article Submitted On: October 26, 2006
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Divorce Parenting and Stress

Anyone who has experienced divorce can tell you first hand it is one of the most stressful events you will ever face. That is especially true for those who are also parents. The day to day challenges of parenting are significant enough without divorce and the challenges that come with attempting to recover from such a significant loss complicate the parenting process for everyone, including those who are normally less impacted by stress issues. Stressed parents find they are less tolerant, irritable and angry, depressed, and down right miserable at times. The good news- you can do something about it if you find yourself in that boat.

Stress is normal part of the divorce process. In fact, stress is commonly under identified by divorcees as the primary reason for difficulties. Too often, divorcees focus their attention on anger and sadness issues, rather than identifying some pretty simple things they can do to deal with stress. Understanding how stress impacts you, your ex-spouse, and your children can help you to appropriately and effectively navigate the divorce process.

Stress is basically our reaction to change. Yes it is more complicated than that, but at it the core of almost all stress is change. First of all, there are times in our lives when we should be stressed. Those times usually revolve around significant life changes such as death of a loved one, job changes, moves, change in normal routine, health related issues, and change in family make up. Obviously, divorce can bring some or all of these changes to the table. So, it makes sense that stress plays a vital role in the entire divorce experience.

Recognizing what is happening with you, your ex, and your children can help you to choose the proper approach to dealing with things. When significant change enters our lives, control becomes an important part of the equation. When we feel out of control and powerless, stress levels tend to rise, and frankly there are few life situations outside of divorce where you will feel more powerless. Naturally, when a person feels out of control, they often attempt to control something or many things. Often, divorcees and children in divorce attempt to control what is happening around them, and very often they attempt to control other people.

Do not under estimate this control issue in your own levels of stress and that of other people involved in your divorce. Divorced parents frequently attempt to alleviate their stress by controlling their ex-spouse or children. And very often, the reaction to these attempts to control is negative.

If you want to immediately reduce your stress try this: Sit down at your kitchen table with a note pad and list 10 things you can absolutely, without doubt, control right away. For example, you can control what time you get up each morning. You can control what you eat. You can even control whether or not you allow yourself to get drawn into an argument with your ex. You can control whether you set yourself up for an argument with your ex or not. You can control what you watch and the type of people you surround yourself with during this crisis. I've given you 6 things to start with that you can control. Add 4 to this list and you are on your way. Or come up with 10 of your own. Even small things can make a difference when combined with other things. Once you have a list of things you can control the next step is to follow through. A list alone will change nothing. But, if you work toward controlling those things on your list, you are on your way to successful stress management.

Controlling what you can will make a difference. The more things you put together, the more control you feel you have of your life, even when a lot of big things are outside of your control. So, the next time your ex is doing something you do not like, your attorney fails to return your call, and your child refuses to follow your instructions, take a moment to control some things you can control and your stress levels will inevitably feel drop. The biggest mistake you can make is attempting to control things that are outside of your control. Recognize those things that are beyond your power and do not attempt to change them, you will have more success when you are realistic about what can be controlled and what cannot.

About the Author:
Matt Doyle has 14 years experience as a mental health professional. He is a family therapist and divorce parent coach with hundreds of hours under his belt working with divorced families. Learn more about divorce parenting at www.divorce-parenting.com
Content Provider: http://www.my-articles.com

Divorce - Are You Heading Towards It? Test Now

Divorce is not like a volcano. One fine day, we find that a volcano has erupted. Divorce happens over a period of time. The relationship breaks down continuously and we realize that life can no longer be lived together. Many couples wake up when the break down has become total. That becomes very difficult to save the marriage. After that they spend endless nights worrying about what to do - To go for divorce or not? Why not to take care of the relationship today and find out how it is and what care it needs. What changes will make it better? And improve it before it reaches the brink?

Ask questions such as - Am I happy in my marriage/ Is my partner happy? Am I emotionally satisfied? What about my partner? Is marriage giving us joy or pain? Are we still in love? Is one of us feeling victimized? Shall we grow together till our old age? Are we loyal to each other? What kind of relationship do we share now? Are we feeling sick of each other? And so on. Raise as many questions about your marriage, yourself and your partner as you can think of. Take some online tests and quizzes on marriage and relationship. That will give lot of thought to your mind.

As you think of questions, you will start thinking more deeply about where you are heading. Find out all that is going wrong. Try to improve that. Discuss with your partner about what you think. Find out all that is going right. Make it still better. Think, plan and act. Before thinking, test your marriage in all the possible ways. Wake up now. Tomorrow may be too late.

About The Author:
CD Mohatta writes for advice on break-ups, relationships quizzes and free ecards.
Article Source: NewFREEArticles.com

Taking Care Of Children After Divorce

After a marriage is over and you have custody of your children, you will have the responsibility for making the important decisions about your children’s upbringing and schooling.

In the majority of cases, the other parent still has a right to spend some time with the children. Keep in mind, the law says that there should be as much contact as possible with both parents as is best for the children. However, in serious circumstances, a judge could decide that it is in the children’s best interests not to spend time with the other parent.

If you do not have custody, generally, you will have a right to spend time with your children. A parent with access usually has rights to:

- spend time with the children, such as on a weekday evening, on weekends and on holidays; and
- receive information about the children — news about their health and well-being and about how they are doing at school.

As a parent with access rights, you can ask the court to order the other parent to give you advance notice—at least 30 days—if he or she intends to move the children to another home.

You can lose your access rights or they can be limited. For instance, if you do not follow the court order or if you act in a way that is harmful to your children, the court can decide to change the access arrangements.

There is also joint custody. Sometimes a husband and wife want a divorce, but want to continue to share their responsibilities as parents equally.

Joint custody means that both of you have custody of the children. In other words, you both continue to share in making all the major decisions concerning the children. If there is joint custody, many different living arrangements are possible. The children may live with each parent about the same amount of time or live mostly with one parent.

Not many parents go to trial about custody. Proceedings can be expensive and stressful both for you and for the children. You have choices other than going to court to reach agreements on parenting arrangements.

- You can go to a family mediator. A mediator is generally a person with a legal or social work background who has special training in helping people resolve disputes. A mediator works with both of you and helps you discuss and decide on the arrangements for your children.

- You can meet with a lawyer who will explain your legal rights and obligations and help you negotiate an agreement.

- You can meet with a family therapist, child psychologist, social worker, family doctor or other professional who knows about the effects of separation and divorce on children of
different ages.

Many courts now offer parent-education sessions, which present options for settling the issues you face upon separation and divorce. These sessions also discuss the impact of separation and divorce on children.

About the Author:
Alex Fir
Visit Divorce Help Center for more divorce information and latest news. http://www.divorce-information-center.info
Article Source: www.iSnare.com

The fame of the San Diego divorce cases

Divorce is a common thing nowadays. Everything that has a beginning must have an ending and this is one of the possible endings. A lot of known divorce cases are from San Diego and, as the emotional relationship ends, the legal bond should be undone. This is the only way it can be solved today. The biggest problems, not only in the case of the San Diego divorce, but everywhere, are splitting the assets and solving child custody.

Is a divorce necessary or unnecessary? Well, that depends on a lot of things. If you feel like the relationship has already come to its end then there is no point in remaining bound only by official papers to your former soul mate. Another aspect id discussable: memories and what you have achieved together. If a lot of happy years with a lot of accomplishments stand between you two, then you should probably give your San Diego divorce a second thought. Who knows what may happen? Maybe it will all work out in the end. Lawyers tend to analyze the problem without any feeling because they don’t know about the emotional bond between the two parts. Before filing for a San Diego divorce you should give it a lot of thought. Is this what you really want to do? Is it necessary? Will this make your life better or will it make it even more miserable? Someone said that between to kinds of bad you have to choose the one that’s not worse.

San Diego divorce cases which involve child custody are a lot more problematic than simple divorce cases that don’t involve child custody. Usually the simple cases are shorter than the other because they can be ended with a settlement. When two parents are fighting over a child it is not common for either to give him up. Each of the parents fight with all they’ve got just to win the right to live with his or her own child. In these types of cases, the only one who loses is the child because the parents don’t realize that, in the end of they’re struggle, they can’t be called a family anymore. The most important thing for a child is to grow up in a healthy family.

In a San Diego divorce the child custody problem is usually left as the last matter to be solved. After a preliminary examination one of the parents is granted temporary custody. The final settlement is made after all the problems of the divorce are solved. The custody decision is taken by the court. The judge is the one who says who gets the child custody. This is usually a good thing because he is impartial and it is thought to look out for the best interest of the child. Child custody suits are necessary if the child isn’t at least 18. If the child is 18 or more he is considered old enough to know what’s best for himself and capable of choosing which parent he wants to be his legal guardian. Even if one parent is granted child custody, this doesn’t mean that the other parent won’t be able to see his child ever again. Visiting time will be set for the other parent so the child gets to spend time with both of his natural parents.

San Diego divorce is not a thing to be taken likely. It has a history that is at least impressing. Since the 1850s divorce has become a common thing and most of the San Diego divorce cases have been filed by women. These women weren’t seeking independence. They were forced to do this because their husbands left them or, one of the worst scenarios, the physical violence reached a dangerously high level. Some of the women involved in San Diego divorce cases even said that if the neighbors hadn’t saved them they would have been alive for long.

Like all divorce cases, San Diego divorce cases are known to be of two kinds: amicable or violent. The word “violent” doesn’t refer to physical violence, but to a lot of arguing and different low tricks used by either part to win. The type of the divorce decides the period of time it will spread over. So, if it’s an amicable divorce, it will be shorter and, if it’s a violent one, it will take longer. The time it takes for a divorce to end has been known to be from six moths to five years. A long trial isn’t good for any of the involved parts unless one of the parts thinks and has a strategy based on this fact. It is possible one of the ex partners hopes the other part will get tired of spending all that money and eventually give up. During the long history of San Diego divorce cases, there have been a couple of them which have taken an awful long time to finish. Even when it’s over, you can’t be sure of anything. There have been known some San Diego divorce cases in which one of the parts filed for the reopening of the case. This often happens, especially when the couple has something to split or if child custody is involved. The long divorce isn’t cheap. However, everyone has to understand it can turn profitable for just one of the parties (leaving aside the lawyer). Everyone must realize that, even if it takes a long time and the fees you pay seem to be more than you can afford, in the end you could win ten times the amount you’ve lost.

The San Diego divorce cases have become popular all over the world. What is the reason? Could it be that San Diego divorce has an early history? Or perhaps it’s because of the very big number of divorces that take place in this area. The San Diego divorce rate is very high, probably higher than in any other state in California. Anyway, for a lawyer to handle a San Diego divorce it is a very difficult job and it is necessary for him to have seen almost everything in his life time to have a vast understanding on how these things work.

About the Author:
Amelie Mag
Knowing details about the San Diego divorce cases and child custody problems might be helpful to anyone involved in a similar situation. So, please visit this San Diego divorce site for more information on how to choose the best San Diego lawyer for you.
Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com

Divorce Mediation - The Less Painful Way

A divorce usually takes place between a husband and wife over some misunderstandings, extra marital affairs or just because they can't tolerate each other. Sometimes, the divorce proceedings take months where there is lots of emotional and psychological pain the family has to face. And to club this all, there is the high financial costs that have to be borne for the divorce to take place. The lawyers charge high fees, and the never ending process of divorce denotes the excess need of lawyers for a longer time.

All these complications arise when the parties are unwilling to negotiate due to bitterness and anger the parties have towards each other. There does not seem to be a mutual agreement that the couple can come across wherein both of them will be satisfied with the outcome of the divorce. Sometimes the case itself is so demanding that it does not permit the couple from coming together at a common settlement. Such will be its legal proceedings.

However, if and when the parties are ready to negotiate with the legal proceedings, they don't have to suffer a painful process in the divorce. There is a less painful and less expensive option to the court proceedings. And this alternative is called divorce mediation and is a more civil and less emotional process to reach a divorce settlement.

In divorce mediation, both the parties undergo a legal process, like all other divorce cases. However, the difference here is that there is a trained and impartial third party who offers his or her services in the form of advice and assistance so that they can help the couple reach a mutual understanding. This does not mean that the two parties forsake the services of their divorce lawyers. They still do need the help of their respective lawyers through whom they are informed of all the specific legal procedures. This way there is no chance of any misunderstanding occurring; and with this, there is a better chance of reaching a mutual agreement with the help of mediation. Divorce mediation is actually a better choice for a couple seeking divorce as the stress and the cost that is involved in legal battles are avoided by the couple.

There is also proof that couples who go through the divorce procedure with a more 'friendly' and civil mode of mediation are usually more satisfied with the agreements that they reach. They reach a compromise earlier because the third party clears any doubts the two parties may have to reaching a mutual agreement. Another and the greatest benefit of divorce mediation is that it minimizes the trauma the children have to endure when parents decide to go their different ways.

So it can be seen that with divorce mediation, a divorce need not be more painful than it has to be, and there is no need of it being expensive either. This is because this is a more civil, less painful and more practical mode to reach a divorce settlement.

About The Author:
Melvin Ng
For more info on divorce mediation and getting divorced, please visit our website. Divorce Mediation | Getting Divorced
Submitted: 2006-10-01
Article Source: GoArticles

When Your Ex Will Not Talk To You About The Children

According to Rob Emery in his book “The Truth About Children and Divorce,” 75% of kids of divorce end up doing very well despite the parent’s separation. Does this happen naturally or do the parents actions have an impact on how the children will respond to the divorce?

Having experienced a divorce first hand, I believe the parent’s actions will have an impact on the children after the separation. Don’t get me wrong; some children will pass through a divorce completely unaffected while other kids will obviously need some help.

Recently, my two sons who live with their mom in a different province were visiting me for a week. During the visit, I saw my oldest son staring off into space one day with a far away look on his face. I asked him what he was thinking about and he made up some response about just looking at the forest. I realized the time was not right to discuss the matter but I asked him about it later that day. He eventually confessed he missed living in the same place as his dad but he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to make me sad.

As it turns out, he also did not want to play with any of his old friends from our neighborhood because he was afraid his mom might think he liked his old friends more then his new friends. He also said he didn’t want to make his mom mad in the event she thought he may want to move back with his dad.

Obviously, my oldest son is troubled by the divorce and separation of his parents despite what his mother would say. The real question is will this affect him in years to come? Will he experience trouble with commitment or communication? I certainly hope not but things are obviously much more difficult because my ex-wife refuses to communicate with me about the children.

In his book, Emery suggests parents should treat their relationship after a divorce like a business. He suggests the parents are in the business of raising children and they would be better off if they treated it as a business. As with any business, if there is a lack of communication the business will fail. If my ex-wife refuses to communicate with me, how are we supposed to have a successful business? In looking back at our marriage, I can see a common thread of her wanting to do things her way and not involve me in the decision making process.

How should I react to this situation now?

I try to follow Emery’s advice but as he suggests himself, “I found ... that all the advice I'd given was true, but it was a lot harder to follow than I realized.” It is very difficult to remain objective and look at such an emotional situation like a business. It is extremely difficult to step back from the pain, hurt and suffering and put my children first. It has tested the very bounds of my compassion and forgiveness but I have to believe it is in the best long-term interest of my kids.

When my children were visiting me, they told me about mommy’s new friend that visits the house for a sleep over. It would have been very nice to hear this from my ex-wife. I could care less if she is seeing anyone and in many regards, I am very happy she is. The point is she should have communicated this directly to me if she was sincerely interested in what was best for the kids.

Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing but I have to keep reminding myself over and over again and again that it is in the best interest of the kids. Just because my ex refuses to respect me as a father, I will not treat her the same way she is treating me.

I firmly believe that children will eventually be able to figure this out themselves. I also believe that children will eventually gravitate towards the parent who is most positive. All I can do is be supportive for my children, have an understanding demeanor and hope they eventually fall into the 75% category.

About the Author:
Gary Kelly is co-creator of the online dating website for golfers, DateAGolfer.com and PuttingForPar.com. DateAGolfer.com is an online dating website for golfers who are interested in expanding their golf network. Join us in Myrtle Beach in September for the world's first international singles golf tournament. PuttingForPar.com is a golf website specializing in high quality personalized ball markers. They make a great gift idea for golfers in your life.
visit me at http://www.dateagolfer.com/
Article Source: ArticleWarehouse

The Decision to Divorce

There are many big decisions is life and two of these are buying a home or deciding to get married. However, considering a divorce is a very big decision, too. Deciding on divorce is the subject of this article.

When we consider divorce, we soon realise that it never easy because it involves pain and distress for everyone associated with it. But there is another aspect, too. When couples marry, the idea of divorce is not even considered. However, as soon as we start to contemplate divorce, we have to accept that it is a huge change in our lives and such a change can be, for some, a reason not to proceed. After all, the decision to divorce goes against the hopes and dreams we once had. This for some people is an obstacle in itself, but there are many others to consider and some of these are discussed here.

In divorce, it is the children that one thinks of most of all. Parents never want to cause their children, especially very young ones, to be unhappy and suffer pain. However, parents often do not realise that children are well aware that the family is not the same as it was before. They can detect that their parents are not talking the way they once did. So, when the decision to tell the children that their parents intend to divorce, it is not always a shock to them. Sometimes, children who are very perceptive will say that they knew it was going to happen.

At some point during the divorce process, the family home will change. Possibly, one of the parents will leave the home and this will change the dynamics within it. For children this can be a problem, but what is important is that they need to know that they can see the missing parent at anytime. And it is sensible to make proper provisions for access so the children are as protected as much as possible.

The family home is often the subject of major dispute when divorce is taking place. One way of looking at the family home is that in essence it is a house consisting of four walls and a roof, and made of bricks, blocks, wood, concrete and tiles. In itself such a building is nothing special. It is the people who reside there that turn the house into a home. Therefore, if the parents are unhappy in the house, then why fight over it. There are thousands of houses around that can be turned into wonderful family homes again. Share the financial value of the home, but move on as soon as possible as there is a lovely home somewhere waiting just for you.

Although the home and children have been mentioned, it is sensible to consider the couple going through the divorce. Bringing a marriage to an end is very painful, but staying in a relationship that has gone sour is also horrible. Consider therefore why you should stay in a relationship that is so bad because it adds no value to your life and wastes a lot of nervous energy.

In the past, you had beautiful moments of love, happiness, peace and joy. And what you should remember is that these emotions have not been eradicated from within you. Leading up to the decision to divorce and divorce itself, means that these emotions do not currently form part of your life, but they can be ignited again if you so choose.

The decision to proceed with a divorce is for some people harder than the divorce itself. Divorce is the outcome of enormous pressures such as whether you should or whether you should not proceed. This is a huge dilemma and only you can decide. Of course, you can take advice from lawyers, councilors and other professionals, but in the end it is you that has to decide.

A sense of relief is often felt once the actual decision to divorce has been made. The next stage is a legal procedure and it should not be underestimated that this can cause pain too. But at least once the process has begun; the big decision will therefore have been made. Trying to focus on the future can make a difference since your life has a new goal and you should be happy once more.

Whoever decides on the divorce, both parties will feel hurt. Whether you are the petitioner or the respondent, it will still be an unhappy time for there are no winners in divorce.

The decision to divorce is important and you have to ask yourself is it the right decision at this time. You would need to think carefully about the consequences of having a divorce right now, or postponing it until later. Taking advice is a wise thing to do, and it is sensible to write it all down rather than trying to remember every word given to you. When you have done this, like many people, you may find the decision to seek a divorce now, or to wait a while, is much simpler.

About the Author:
Rita Willetts provides a range of resources at her web site: Apres Divorce where you will find information that will help you on many divorce issues. Why not take a look: www.apresdivorce.com
Content Provider: http://www.my-articles.com

Divorce Is Never Easy

Divorce, even in the best of circumstances, is a painful process. It represents an ending to what has become familiar and normal. I know the sting of divorce. I have seen its ugly head rear up in my mind and in my heart without remorse or concern for my emotional well being or happiness. I know the pain of loss and the resulting low self-esteem at being left behind. It is not a happy time in anyone’s life. I would wish that you would never have to experience this in your life, but if you have, I can empathize with your grief and pain.

Divorce can bring out the worst in people: the greed, the envy, the desire to inflict suffering, and often even the joy of hurting someone they once loved. Why is this?

Divorce is about the loss of trust, respect, and love (even like and friendship) of your partner. It is often a forgone conclusion, when people are sharing their wedding vows, thinking, “This is wrong, I am making a mistake.” But, they push on in spite of these inner urgings against this decision.

It is important to understand that a successful marriage is not the result of falling in love. It is the result of (there are lots of characteristics, but here are a few of the most important ones):

· commitment
· acceptance
· willingness to change and grow
· ability to handle differences

Relationships don’t fail, people fail in them. A marriage is an entity without feelings, agendas, expectations and problems. These issues are in the people not in the relationship. Passion doesn’t leave a marriage; it leaves the people in it. So, what can you do? Spend time in honest non-blaming self-appraisal. Learn about yourself from it.

About The Author:
Tim Connor, CSP is an internationally renowned sales, management and leadership speaker, trainer and best selling author. Since 1981 he has given over 3500 presentations in 21 countries on a variety of sales, management, leadership and relationship topics. He is the best selling author of over 60 books including; Soft Sell, That’s Life, Peace Of Mind, 91 Challenges Managers Face Today and Your First Year In Sales. He can be reached at tim@timconnor.com, 704-895-1230 or visit his website at http://www.timconnor.com.
Article Submitted On: October 04, 2006
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

How to Find The Right Divorce Lawyer For You

Finding the right divorce lawyer for your divorce is more than just blindly pointing your finger at the first family law advertisement you see in the yellow pages. If you have a lot to lose, common sense tells that it is necessary to pick a divorce lawyer who has experience and reputation of settling intricate cases that involve assets, property, custody, etc.

Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your case can be one of the most important decisions when considering a divorce. The stress that divorce battles bring to parents can be truly remarkable. Your divorce lawyer will either add to your frustration or ease the pain. Here are a few tips to consider when looking for a divorce lawyer.

Fees - Lawyers charge a lot, don't they? Yes, they go to a very lengthy and a difficult schooling, which at the end is worth a lot. Many people try to hire divorce lawyers that charge less for their services. On the total opposite, some people with a sizeable income would hire expensive or renowned lawyers. The assumption here is that high-priced lawyers can do a better job representing your case. This claim has never been verified. For example, a costly lawyer may have few wins in court, whereas a somewhat new divorce lawyer may have an excellent winning track record. So, during your initial consultation with your prospective divorce lawyer it is vital that you have an open and an honest discussion about the fees and what you can expect. But, the fees need not to be the determining factor in the final decision of who would represent your case.

Experience and expertise - Experience is one very important factor in choosing your divorce lawyer. Additionally, it's necessary for that lawyer to practice primarily in the field of divorce law. In some cases, people will hire a lawyer who practices outside this field, thinking that any lawyer will do. An experienced divorce lawyer will know the tendencies of the various judges in your jurisdiction and will be able to use this knowledge to your advantage.

Testimonials - One of the best ways to determine which divorce lawyer would be good for your divorce is to learn what former clients have to say about a particular lawyer. Don't be afraid to ask around. If you do not know of anyone who has been a client of that particular divorce lawyer, at your initial appointment don't be shy to ask your prospective lawyer for a list of past clients. While client confidentiality is very important, any "good" and experienced divorce lawyer would not be hiding anything and would have at least a few satisfied former clients who would be willing to vouch for him or her.

Accessibility and the "Likeable" element - It is extremely important that your divorce lawyer is easily accessible and prompt in responding to your phone calls, emails, and requests. Or, you're going to get nothing but frustration. While you would care to ask for the lawyer's office policy, don't forget to ask the lawyer's past clients if that particular lawyer was responsible enough to maintain an easy system of communication. And last but not least, do YOU personally like that particular divorce attorney? Do you feel comfortable talking to that lawyer, and are you confident in his or her abilities? If the answer is anything other than a definite "yes," you need to keep looking. Your case is too important to entrust to someone who does not inspire your confidence. If you don't like that particular lawyer for some reason and don't feel comfortable talking to him or her, there might be other people (like the judges) that may not like that person for the same reason that you do, which may cause you to lose the case.

Disclaimer: The author and publisher of this article have done their best to give you useful, informative and accurate information. This article does not represent nor replace the legal advice you need to get from a lawyer, or other professional if the content of the article involves an issue you are facing. Laws vary from state-to-state and change from time-to-time. Always consult with a qualified professional before making any decisions about the issues described in this article. Thank you.

About the Author:
Steve Dimeck
This article was produced by Attorney Resources and Information website. Please visit find a divorce lawyer if you need to find a divorce lawyer.
Added: 04 Oct 2006
Article Source: http://articles.simplysearch4it.com/article/38323.html